The Scattered

This blog is different from the rest.

I am going to talk about the most painful things in my life atm. It is going to take awhile, and it's going to hurt, but sometimes i get so angry at night for no reason.
I just feel these jets of anger shoot through me, and i twitch.
Which means that whenever i am nodding off to sleep, just boarding the train to lala land, i jerk and am forced to be awake.

so i have narrowed it down to two causes; A) i have too much energy and need to start working out again, (i shall be starting tonight!) and B) I am full of anger, because let's face it, when you don't talk about it, it gets bottled up. (So i'll be writing it down.)

Well I already told of the tantrum my grandpa threw.
And apparently that wasn't even one tenth of what he was capable of, and what my mum had to grow up with as a child.
I didn't even realise it, that we come from a family witha history of violence. But we do, so there you go.
Mum won't fully tell me what happened.

Which makes me feel guilty, because i have such a clean cut life.

It's not fair, how some people totally have all the luck, and some people draw the short end of the straw.

Although somestimes a family can appear crystal clear on the surface, but as you dig deeper there's all these horrible stories.
Take P!nk for example, to an outsider her life seems so perfect, truly something to be proud of! She has the perfect body, she is the most gorgeous person in the world, she has so many people who love her, including some she have never met, and she has the most wonderful, perfect dream man; Carey Hart.
But it probably isn't as pristine perfect as it seems. We all know that she had a tough childhood, and she is usually brutally honest with us, and always makes sure that if she is in a crap mood, it's known.
But who knows, maybe she has a deep dark secret that she can't share with the rest of the world?
Maybe we all do...

I guess, with human kind there will always be pain.

Another issue lately is i find it awkward to hold a conversation.
Well, it's okay if i can look away, but it makes me nervous to make eye contact.
You should see me when i make a public speech though ... not a coherant thought in my head!


I know i said i was going to blog about the thing that 'was most painfull', but i am truly not ready yet.
I can't even admit yet that it hurts me, i am not saying it does hurt me, but right now, i cannot admit to anything on this subject.

It's just fuly numb, and i'm worried if i pick at it...well you can guess.
Maybe one day...in due time.

But i swear i am strong enough not to care...

i am strong enough not to let it get to me...