The current theme song of my life:
(Please listen to, and read along with the lyrics to best understand what i am talking about, then continue reading the blog)
Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/katenash/skeletonsong.html
This song makes me think so much. It makes me want to slip back into the old me. The me that was not as smart as i am now, and made decisions that were not always for the best. The thing is, when i was that girl, i was the happiest! Besides the times where i am in love with P!nk, i mean the best thing that happened to me was my obsession with her returning, for both my mental and physical health. However an obsession with a famous singer can only go so far...
The old me was when i was at my skinniest, prettiest, most popular, and i generally felt GOOD about myself. I punished myself for doing things that made me feel bad, and i worked hard to make myself feel good. And the reward was a perfect body, great looks, the best friends i could ever ask for, and just generally a happy me.
And it just felt so darn GOOD! But my mum had to intervene...
And now i do all the right things, and i try and try to stay on track, to stay focused.
But i am just so fucking LONELY. I am alone at school. I really do dread going back, honest to god i have not got a single friend there. I know it takes time for the new girl to fit in, but it's been a year, isn't that enough time?
there is something wrong with me, i just can't connect with these people! Don't get me wrong, they're nice and all that, but i just can't connect.
I don't get them, and they don't get me.
I am also really unhappy with myself at the moment.
My body...there's just TOO much of it in some places, and not enough in others!
My thighs need to stick out less, they need to be a gentle slope, not fully slant outwards like a pair fucking water slides!
my knees are sooooooooo chubby that i swear to god you can lose a pencil in them or something!
I have the stupidest jelly belly, it doesn't go away no matter how many sit ups i do! I just want a flat tum, is that so much to fucking ask!?!?
My arms are the ugliest things you'll ever see. They are red, they have bumps on them and they are flabby, like fucking chicken wings or some shit!
My calves are just a stupid shape.
My boobs...don't get me started on THEM! They NEVER grow! I don't want big boobs, but it would be nice to have a handful or something! FUCKING HELL! The only thing that makes it okay is that P!nk doesn't have big boobs herself.
The last thing i hate about myself is my nose.
Just. Dude. It's not pointy, and it doesn't have a bump, but it sticks out like a fucking yellow elephant with purple spots! like nose, BE SMALLER PLEASE! Like Selena Gomez's nose, or even better, P!nk's nose. It's just PERFECT!
You lot probably think I'm being a whiny little whore, but i swear, i know my good parts just as well as my bad parts! I love my hair! I love my lips! I love my eyes! I love my forearms! I love my teeth!
I have tried EVERYTHING to get a good body! And when i say everything...i mean everything. Except liposuction. But i have tried so much! I have tried healthy eating, regular exercise...other things...and nothing WORKS!
The thing that worked most for me, my mum put a stop to! And i was SO much happier back then! So what if i was a little distant from my family?? I FELT BEAUTIFUL!
I strive for perfection. It's what i do, i can't help it, i just want perfection!
So what if my methods are frowned upon in modern society, i have never cared what the rest of the world thinks...well i try not to.
I'm doing this for MY happiness...
I realise i just contradicted my whole blog...i did not mean to that's just how i feel.
It's not pleasurable feeling like this...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Victoria's Butterfly-Chapter 1
Victoria looked out of her window, down onto a wet football field.
There you have it. I have started narrating my own life again. Furthermore, I have gotten worse at it! A better way to go about it would have been 'Victoria gazed out of her frosted window, looking down upon a damp football field' or 'Victoria inspected the damp football field outside her foggy window.'
But no, i had to go with 'Victoria looked out of her window, down onto a wet football field.'
Aunt Millicent would say this was an improvement in my mental health, but i'd say it's me getting dumber.
Anyway, the reason i am looking down at the damp football field because i am hoping that he'll be out there. Who 'he' is exactly, i am not sure, however i DO know that he has great form. His tan muscular body ripples in the sun as he sprints down the yard, flipping his hair back. GOD it gives me the heeby jeebies! It also makes me wonder why someone so perfect can be a mental patient? Then i look at myself and realise that a person doesn't choose the illness, the illness chooses them.
And guess who's the chosen one? None other than yours truly...
However, i am happy to be 'ill' ... it's better than facing most of the horrors in the world. My mind is my haven, and who is aunt Millicent to tell me that i think wrong?
If i were to tell aunt Millicent that, she would blow her top! The thing is, aunt Millicent is NOT my aunt. She just insists that we all call her 'aunt'. I suppose it's her way of trying to level with us, she's trying to get on the same page as us. It just makes her look like a try hard, which naturally makes us hate her. For a counseller, she sure needs a lot of help herself! She has low self esteem... I'd feel sorry for her if she was a more empathetic woman, but alas, i cannot empathise or sympathise with a woman who lacks such an important quality.
I sat up as i saw a figure outside my window. A wave of disappointment washed threw me as i realised it was the gardener. "Hey groundskeeper Willie!" I yelled down to him him. Of course that isn't his real name, the nickname originated when Charlie came to town. And by 'town' i mean the mental hospital that we all call home.
You see, Charlie thinks he is inside one gigantic, life-long episode of 'The Simpsons', and he gives people in his life names from the show. He of course is Bart, so you can imagine what kind of shit he gets up to. Of course the gardener is 'groundskeeper Willie' I myself am Milhouse. Which is ludicrous considering I HAVE A VAGINA. He can't seem to fathom this though, so i leave him to his fantasy. This of course means that he drags me along to all his trouble making shenanigans. I love it of course. It pisses aunt Millicent off.
A glance at the clock reveals the time. 6.57am. Breakfast time!
As i reached the dining room doors, i scanned the tables, looking for my usual posse. Although, as usual i was the first one there. One of the bad things about being an insomniac. I didn't have to wait long before i was joined by Taz. Taz was the strongest person i had ever met. He always kept me in line, making sure i kept my head. He was, as cheesy as it sounds, my rock. He was also openly gay. i had never met someone so comfortable with his sexuality as much as Taz was with his. I admired him for this; in a world so prejudiced, he was able to stand up and beam out his true colours. "vickie." He nodded.
"Morning." I responded.
Taz moved his blonde hair to reveal his mud coloured eyes.
"What's for breakfast?"
"Food"
"Oh that's a change!"
We got up and went to the canteen to get our breakfast.
Two minutes later, while munching down on vegemite toast and coco pops, we were joined by our other friends, Billie and Hodge. Now i don't know much about Billie and Hodge. They don't talk much, and when they do, their heads are together and they speak in such low soundwaves that no one can hear them. In fact i don't think they talk at all, i think they just read each other's lips. The only real communication is if you ask one of them a question. Billie always answers, however she avoids eye contact at all costs. One night as i was walking the school yard at midnight (I always sneak out, every night i go for walks because i can't sleep) i stumbled across the two in the middle of the field, stark naked, going at it like rabbits. It was rather...graphic.
"Any sign of Fred?" I asked no one in particaular.
Now Fred was a basket case if i ever did see one! His name is not actually Fred, in fact no one knows his real name. He tells us that his name has a tab on it, and if it is used, 'they' will come and get him. I havn't exactly found out who 'they' are yet, but i am working on it. He also sleeps until about 5pm, even though he goes to bed at around 9pm. One time i walked into his room in the early morning, before the sun come up, to find him with a pillow stuffed up his top. He was caressing it and swaying and humming. I backed out slowly. Unfortunately for me the door clicked, and there were sreeches of 'YOU WILL NOT GET MY BABY!" As i tore down the hallway. Apparently he had hurled the urn that held the ashes of his grandfather, because before i could turn the corner something hard hit the back of my head. I was thrown to the ground and landed amidst a pile of ashes and porcelin.
I quickly got up and continued running and didn't stop until i got to my room.
You're probably wondering why I am here? Wel i'd tell you if i could, but as it happens i do not know why i have a mental disorder. At times i almost feel normal...but when i crack i am like an atom bomb. Apparently. I never remember these things. My counsellors of course know why i am in here, but they refuse to tell me. I have to remember on my own, it's all apart of the 'recovery plan'. rather ridiculous considering i can only remember as far back as my second week in here. I woke up in restraints, in a padded white room. There was a raw, bald patch on my head where i had pulled out my hair. I remember yelling out 'help!' and then being startled by two big men opening the door and cautiously approaching me.
"I'm in a madhouse." They stopped in their tracks at my statement.
"We prefer the term mental hospital." The men parted to reveal a third man. He smiled down at me. "I am doctor Niko Draven, i'm your doctor."
At this i gave him a befuddled look. "I'm not mad."
"Currently you are sane. However at the slightest provocation you snap. You're not 'you' when you snap, you're a whole different person."
Put yourself in my shoes. You've just found out that you're a crazy person in a nuthouse. Naturally you'd get angry, right?"
"I'M NOT MAD!"
His eyes searched mine. I tried to send vibes to him, telling him not to mess with me, because i was NOT mad!
"Do you remember your name?"
I opened my mouth to reply, however nothing was there.
Of course i know my name! Of course i do!
He sighed. "You will remember, in due time."
"What, so you're not even going to tell me my own name?"
"It's all apart of the recovery plan. You have to learn all of this in your own time..."
"BULLSHIT! How do i know that you're not some whackjob pedo trying to take advantage of me!? How do i know that you have not kidnapped me and brainwashed me?"
He took all this in stride. "You don't. However you do not have much choice. We will give you room to move, if you show us you're ready. I'm sure those things are annoying?"
i looked down at my restraints. "Why am i in this fucking thing anyway?"
"I'd prefer you didn't swear."
"Tough."
"Think about what i just said. We will give you room to move if you show us you're ready. Right now you are showing us that you need to stay in those restraints."
"Why, because i am fucking angry that i don't know who, or where the fuck i am?"
"Again, i'd prefer it if you didn't swear..."
"I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE FUCKING ANGRY!"
"Of course you do. Of course. However there are ways of letting off steam. We have ways here, we have self defence lessons, art lessons, music lessons, whatever your heart desires. However i do NOT like it when my patients go around swearing and acting violent."
"I'm not violent..."
He lifted up his top, and underneath was a bandage which he proceeded to unwrap. He then revealed his torso, which was bruised with an array of colours, ranging from black and purple to orange and yellow.
"um..."
"I, unfortunatly, was at the recieving end of one of your kicks. You kick hard."
"...i..uh."
He let his top fall over his torso and started rolling the bandage up.
I lowered my gaze as fat tears ra the length of my nose.
"I Don't remember doing that."
"I assure you, these cracked ribs were made by impact of your foot."
"I'm sorry..."
"I think you have proved you can be trusted without the straight jacket."
He moved towards me to take off my restraints.
He then showed me around the hospital, including taking time to let me sign up for classes.
I signed up for self defence and art classes. I then learned that i had a thing called 'group' at 2pm everyday.
Well a year has since passed, and all i have learned about myself is that my name is Victoria, i love classical music, i am 16 turning 17 on the 16th of May and I once had a cat named The Flash.
"Vickie come on we'll be late for self defence!" Taz's voice broke through my reminisce. A glance at my wristwatch revealed that it was almost 8am.
We set off towards our defence class.
-End of chapter 1-
There you have it. I have started narrating my own life again. Furthermore, I have gotten worse at it! A better way to go about it would have been 'Victoria gazed out of her frosted window, looking down upon a damp football field' or 'Victoria inspected the damp football field outside her foggy window.'
But no, i had to go with 'Victoria looked out of her window, down onto a wet football field.'
Aunt Millicent would say this was an improvement in my mental health, but i'd say it's me getting dumber.
Anyway, the reason i am looking down at the damp football field because i am hoping that he'll be out there. Who 'he' is exactly, i am not sure, however i DO know that he has great form. His tan muscular body ripples in the sun as he sprints down the yard, flipping his hair back. GOD it gives me the heeby jeebies! It also makes me wonder why someone so perfect can be a mental patient? Then i look at myself and realise that a person doesn't choose the illness, the illness chooses them.
And guess who's the chosen one? None other than yours truly...
However, i am happy to be 'ill' ... it's better than facing most of the horrors in the world. My mind is my haven, and who is aunt Millicent to tell me that i think wrong?
If i were to tell aunt Millicent that, she would blow her top! The thing is, aunt Millicent is NOT my aunt. She just insists that we all call her 'aunt'. I suppose it's her way of trying to level with us, she's trying to get on the same page as us. It just makes her look like a try hard, which naturally makes us hate her. For a counseller, she sure needs a lot of help herself! She has low self esteem... I'd feel sorry for her if she was a more empathetic woman, but alas, i cannot empathise or sympathise with a woman who lacks such an important quality.
I sat up as i saw a figure outside my window. A wave of disappointment washed threw me as i realised it was the gardener. "Hey groundskeeper Willie!" I yelled down to him him. Of course that isn't his real name, the nickname originated when Charlie came to town. And by 'town' i mean the mental hospital that we all call home.
You see, Charlie thinks he is inside one gigantic, life-long episode of 'The Simpsons', and he gives people in his life names from the show. He of course is Bart, so you can imagine what kind of shit he gets up to. Of course the gardener is 'groundskeeper Willie' I myself am Milhouse. Which is ludicrous considering I HAVE A VAGINA. He can't seem to fathom this though, so i leave him to his fantasy. This of course means that he drags me along to all his trouble making shenanigans. I love it of course. It pisses aunt Millicent off.
A glance at the clock reveals the time. 6.57am. Breakfast time!
As i reached the dining room doors, i scanned the tables, looking for my usual posse. Although, as usual i was the first one there. One of the bad things about being an insomniac. I didn't have to wait long before i was joined by Taz. Taz was the strongest person i had ever met. He always kept me in line, making sure i kept my head. He was, as cheesy as it sounds, my rock. He was also openly gay. i had never met someone so comfortable with his sexuality as much as Taz was with his. I admired him for this; in a world so prejudiced, he was able to stand up and beam out his true colours. "vickie." He nodded.
"Morning." I responded.
Taz moved his blonde hair to reveal his mud coloured eyes.
"What's for breakfast?"
"Food"
"Oh that's a change!"
We got up and went to the canteen to get our breakfast.
Two minutes later, while munching down on vegemite toast and coco pops, we were joined by our other friends, Billie and Hodge. Now i don't know much about Billie and Hodge. They don't talk much, and when they do, their heads are together and they speak in such low soundwaves that no one can hear them. In fact i don't think they talk at all, i think they just read each other's lips. The only real communication is if you ask one of them a question. Billie always answers, however she avoids eye contact at all costs. One night as i was walking the school yard at midnight (I always sneak out, every night i go for walks because i can't sleep) i stumbled across the two in the middle of the field, stark naked, going at it like rabbits. It was rather...graphic.
"Any sign of Fred?" I asked no one in particaular.
Now Fred was a basket case if i ever did see one! His name is not actually Fred, in fact no one knows his real name. He tells us that his name has a tab on it, and if it is used, 'they' will come and get him. I havn't exactly found out who 'they' are yet, but i am working on it. He also sleeps until about 5pm, even though he goes to bed at around 9pm. One time i walked into his room in the early morning, before the sun come up, to find him with a pillow stuffed up his top. He was caressing it and swaying and humming. I backed out slowly. Unfortunately for me the door clicked, and there were sreeches of 'YOU WILL NOT GET MY BABY!" As i tore down the hallway. Apparently he had hurled the urn that held the ashes of his grandfather, because before i could turn the corner something hard hit the back of my head. I was thrown to the ground and landed amidst a pile of ashes and porcelin.
I quickly got up and continued running and didn't stop until i got to my room.
You're probably wondering why I am here? Wel i'd tell you if i could, but as it happens i do not know why i have a mental disorder. At times i almost feel normal...but when i crack i am like an atom bomb. Apparently. I never remember these things. My counsellors of course know why i am in here, but they refuse to tell me. I have to remember on my own, it's all apart of the 'recovery plan'. rather ridiculous considering i can only remember as far back as my second week in here. I woke up in restraints, in a padded white room. There was a raw, bald patch on my head where i had pulled out my hair. I remember yelling out 'help!' and then being startled by two big men opening the door and cautiously approaching me.
"I'm in a madhouse." They stopped in their tracks at my statement.
"We prefer the term mental hospital." The men parted to reveal a third man. He smiled down at me. "I am doctor Niko Draven, i'm your doctor."
At this i gave him a befuddled look. "I'm not mad."
"Currently you are sane. However at the slightest provocation you snap. You're not 'you' when you snap, you're a whole different person."
Put yourself in my shoes. You've just found out that you're a crazy person in a nuthouse. Naturally you'd get angry, right?"
"I'M NOT MAD!"
His eyes searched mine. I tried to send vibes to him, telling him not to mess with me, because i was NOT mad!
"Do you remember your name?"
I opened my mouth to reply, however nothing was there.
Of course i know my name! Of course i do!
He sighed. "You will remember, in due time."
"What, so you're not even going to tell me my own name?"
"It's all apart of the recovery plan. You have to learn all of this in your own time..."
"BULLSHIT! How do i know that you're not some whackjob pedo trying to take advantage of me!? How do i know that you have not kidnapped me and brainwashed me?"
He took all this in stride. "You don't. However you do not have much choice. We will give you room to move, if you show us you're ready. I'm sure those things are annoying?"
i looked down at my restraints. "Why am i in this fucking thing anyway?"
"I'd prefer you didn't swear."
"Tough."
"Think about what i just said. We will give you room to move if you show us you're ready. Right now you are showing us that you need to stay in those restraints."
"Why, because i am fucking angry that i don't know who, or where the fuck i am?"
"Again, i'd prefer it if you didn't swear..."
"I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE FUCKING ANGRY!"
"Of course you do. Of course. However there are ways of letting off steam. We have ways here, we have self defence lessons, art lessons, music lessons, whatever your heart desires. However i do NOT like it when my patients go around swearing and acting violent."
"I'm not violent..."
He lifted up his top, and underneath was a bandage which he proceeded to unwrap. He then revealed his torso, which was bruised with an array of colours, ranging from black and purple to orange and yellow.
"um..."
"I, unfortunatly, was at the recieving end of one of your kicks. You kick hard."
"...i..uh."
He let his top fall over his torso and started rolling the bandage up.
I lowered my gaze as fat tears ra the length of my nose.
"I Don't remember doing that."
"I assure you, these cracked ribs were made by impact of your foot."
"I'm sorry..."
"I think you have proved you can be trusted without the straight jacket."
He moved towards me to take off my restraints.
He then showed me around the hospital, including taking time to let me sign up for classes.
I signed up for self defence and art classes. I then learned that i had a thing called 'group' at 2pm everyday.
Well a year has since passed, and all i have learned about myself is that my name is Victoria, i love classical music, i am 16 turning 17 on the 16th of May and I once had a cat named The Flash.
"Vickie come on we'll be late for self defence!" Taz's voice broke through my reminisce. A glance at my wristwatch revealed that it was almost 8am.
We set off towards our defence class.
-End of chapter 1-
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
just another day at the Deli ...
When i first got there, a customer wanted me to carve ham off the bone. She wanted me to carve it thinly, which if you've ever carved ham, is IMPOSSIBLE D:
We have sliced ham off the bone right next to it...
anyway, i was like dying trying to cut it thin.
Then we had to do deep cleaning, and i started the wrong one. (i started doing monday night's instead of wednesday's) so i wasted time removing things then putting them back in. Then we started cleaning the area that were cleaned on tuesdays, so we had to put them all back in too. anyway, we finally got the deep cleaning done.
THEN the drain was clogged, because we couldn't get the grates out. And they have been that way for ages...two weeks ago when i was closing on my room i didn't clean out the drains because i couldn't get the grate out. Meaning no one had cleaned it for two weeks...can you IMAGINE the smell? It was so clogged. I had to put my hands right down the drain to get all the crap out. It stunk worse than egg farts!
THEEEEEEEEN i had to clean out the coolroom, but there was a trolly chocked full of mrs crocket's salad, so you can imagine how heavy it was. So what do i do? I push it on my toe. IT HURTTTTT so much that i couldn't speak.
Then about five minutes before hometime, i was doing the dishes, and i shoved my hand in the water, but it was too hot. I was holding on to my pee, but i let go from the pain and peed my pants. A lot.
It's funny because all through out the shift, we were discussing how working at the Deli can pretty much prepare you for anything, any discusting job, and any enjurance job.
Good day (Y) haha
We have sliced ham off the bone right next to it...
anyway, i was like dying trying to cut it thin.
Then we had to do deep cleaning, and i started the wrong one. (i started doing monday night's instead of wednesday's) so i wasted time removing things then putting them back in. Then we started cleaning the area that were cleaned on tuesdays, so we had to put them all back in too. anyway, we finally got the deep cleaning done.
THEN the drain was clogged, because we couldn't get the grates out. And they have been that way for ages...two weeks ago when i was closing on my room i didn't clean out the drains because i couldn't get the grate out. Meaning no one had cleaned it for two weeks...can you IMAGINE the smell? It was so clogged. I had to put my hands right down the drain to get all the crap out. It stunk worse than egg farts!
THEEEEEEEEN i had to clean out the coolroom, but there was a trolly chocked full of mrs crocket's salad, so you can imagine how heavy it was. So what do i do? I push it on my toe. IT HURTTTTT so much that i couldn't speak.
Then about five minutes before hometime, i was doing the dishes, and i shoved my hand in the water, but it was too hot. I was holding on to my pee, but i let go from the pain and peed my pants. A lot.
It's funny because all through out the shift, we were discussing how working at the Deli can pretty much prepare you for anything, any discusting job, and any enjurance job.
Good day (Y) haha
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The stupidity of bugs (and fun games to play with them)
I'm talking about the minuscule bugs, the ones that just look like a black dot.
One day i was sitting at my desk at school, staring out the window rather than listening to the teacher when i saw a bug on my table. Yes that's right, a bug. I was with my friends Tilly and Skye. I picked up my pen and drew a circle around it, and to my utter amazement, the bug stayed in the circle!
It thought it couldn't get out ...
Then it just crawled over the circle and continued on it's way. I quickly caught the girls' attention, and did it again. The bug stayed in the cicrle again!
But like last time, it eventually crawled out. I drew a bigger circle next time, but that didn't work.
Then, the other night i was playig on my computer when a bug flew on to the computer screen. It being 3am, i was not thinking straight, so i tried to remove it with the curser, and shock horror! the bug followed the curser!
I moved the curser in a circular motion around the bug, and it moved ina circle to follow it ...
Soo ODD!
One day i was sitting at my desk at school, staring out the window rather than listening to the teacher when i saw a bug on my table. Yes that's right, a bug. I was with my friends Tilly and Skye. I picked up my pen and drew a circle around it, and to my utter amazement, the bug stayed in the circle!
It thought it couldn't get out ...
Then it just crawled over the circle and continued on it's way. I quickly caught the girls' attention, and did it again. The bug stayed in the cicrle again!
But like last time, it eventually crawled out. I drew a bigger circle next time, but that didn't work.
Then, the other night i was playig on my computer when a bug flew on to the computer screen. It being 3am, i was not thinking straight, so i tried to remove it with the curser, and shock horror! the bug followed the curser!
I moved the curser in a circular motion around the bug, and it moved ina circle to follow it ...
Soo ODD!
My dream...
I was walking down a footpath, then i entered this caravan thingy. There was an extremely hot guy there who said he wanted to have sex with me. He then jerked himself off until his penis reached his chin (WTF) then tried to rape me.
I grabbed an axe and then chopped his penis off. Then i hammered him to a wall, installed a shelf above his head, and lay the penis on the shelf.
Then i went to get an icecream.
I grabbed an axe and then chopped his penis off. Then i hammered him to a wall, installed a shelf above his head, and lay the penis on the shelf.
Then i went to get an icecream.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Just a quick vent.
There has been so much fighting in my family lately!
It is so frusterating, and right now my ex best friend's mum is over.
I like her, she was always a nice woman, and i always felt guilty in the way her daughter treated her. And then when i broke it off with Skye (ex best friend) I felt guilty because her mother always hated it when we fought.
Her mum is on my side of the fight, and she also feels guilty and ashamed about the way her daughter treated me, and it feels good that we can still talk.
She is out the back playing darts and drinking with my mum and second mum Catherine, and generally having a good time.
However, yes there is a however, i cannot relax because everytime i hear a raised voice i think they're fighting.
D:<
I hope tonight doesn't end up in tears...i really don't.
It is so frusterating, and right now my ex best friend's mum is over.
I like her, she was always a nice woman, and i always felt guilty in the way her daughter treated her. And then when i broke it off with Skye (ex best friend) I felt guilty because her mother always hated it when we fought.
Her mum is on my side of the fight, and she also feels guilty and ashamed about the way her daughter treated me, and it feels good that we can still talk.
She is out the back playing darts and drinking with my mum and second mum Catherine, and generally having a good time.
However, yes there is a however, i cannot relax because everytime i hear a raised voice i think they're fighting.
D:<
I hope tonight doesn't end up in tears...i really don't.
The Scattered
This blog is different from the rest.
I am going to talk about the most painful things in my life atm. It is going to take awhile, and it's going to hurt, but sometimes i get so angry at night for no reason.
I just feel these jets of anger shoot through me, and i twitch.
Which means that whenever i am nodding off to sleep, just boarding the train to lala land, i jerk and am forced to be awake.
so i have narrowed it down to two causes; A) i have too much energy and need to start working out again, (i shall be starting tonight!) and B) I am full of anger, because let's face it, when you don't talk about it, it gets bottled up. (So i'll be writing it down.)
Well I already told of the tantrum my grandpa threw.
And apparently that wasn't even one tenth of what he was capable of, and what my mum had to grow up with as a child.
I didn't even realise it, that we come from a family witha history of violence. But we do, so there you go.
Mum won't fully tell me what happened.
Which makes me feel guilty, because i have such a clean cut life.
It's not fair, how some people totally have all the luck, and some people draw the short end of the straw.
Although somestimes a family can appear crystal clear on the surface, but as you dig deeper there's all these horrible stories.
Take P!nk for example, to an outsider her life seems so perfect, truly something to be proud of! She has the perfect body, she is the most gorgeous person in the world, she has so many people who love her, including some she have never met, and she has the most wonderful, perfect dream man; Carey Hart.
But it probably isn't as pristine perfect as it seems. We all know that she had a tough childhood, and she is usually brutally honest with us, and always makes sure that if she is in a crap mood, it's known.
But who knows, maybe she has a deep dark secret that she can't share with the rest of the world?
Maybe we all do...
I guess, with human kind there will always be pain.
Another issue lately is i find it awkward to hold a conversation.
Well, it's okay if i can look away, but it makes me nervous to make eye contact.
You should see me when i make a public speech though ... not a coherant thought in my head!
I know i said i was going to blog about the thing that 'was most painfull', but i am truly not ready yet.
I can't even admit yet that it hurts me, i am not saying it does hurt me, but right now, i cannot admit to anything on this subject.
It's just fuly numb, and i'm worried if i pick at it...well you can guess.
Maybe one day...in due time.
But i swear i am strong enough not to care...
i am strong enough not to let it get to me...
I am going to talk about the most painful things in my life atm. It is going to take awhile, and it's going to hurt, but sometimes i get so angry at night for no reason.
I just feel these jets of anger shoot through me, and i twitch.
Which means that whenever i am nodding off to sleep, just boarding the train to lala land, i jerk and am forced to be awake.
so i have narrowed it down to two causes; A) i have too much energy and need to start working out again, (i shall be starting tonight!) and B) I am full of anger, because let's face it, when you don't talk about it, it gets bottled up. (So i'll be writing it down.)
Well I already told of the tantrum my grandpa threw.
And apparently that wasn't even one tenth of what he was capable of, and what my mum had to grow up with as a child.
I didn't even realise it, that we come from a family witha history of violence. But we do, so there you go.
Mum won't fully tell me what happened.
Which makes me feel guilty, because i have such a clean cut life.
It's not fair, how some people totally have all the luck, and some people draw the short end of the straw.
Although somestimes a family can appear crystal clear on the surface, but as you dig deeper there's all these horrible stories.
Take P!nk for example, to an outsider her life seems so perfect, truly something to be proud of! She has the perfect body, she is the most gorgeous person in the world, she has so many people who love her, including some she have never met, and she has the most wonderful, perfect dream man; Carey Hart.
But it probably isn't as pristine perfect as it seems. We all know that she had a tough childhood, and she is usually brutally honest with us, and always makes sure that if she is in a crap mood, it's known.
But who knows, maybe she has a deep dark secret that she can't share with the rest of the world?
Maybe we all do...
I guess, with human kind there will always be pain.
Another issue lately is i find it awkward to hold a conversation.
Well, it's okay if i can look away, but it makes me nervous to make eye contact.
You should see me when i make a public speech though ... not a coherant thought in my head!
I know i said i was going to blog about the thing that 'was most painfull', but i am truly not ready yet.
I can't even admit yet that it hurts me, i am not saying it does hurt me, but right now, i cannot admit to anything on this subject.
It's just fuly numb, and i'm worried if i pick at it...well you can guess.
Maybe one day...in due time.
But i swear i am strong enough not to care...
i am strong enough not to let it get to me...
Friday, January 8, 2010
Things i can do, and you can't!
Swivel my eyes around in their socket.
Relieve my bladder/bowels.
Move my fingers.
Control my hand.
See things from my perspective.
Smell things with my noes.
I can be the only person on a bus, from my perspective, i'm the first person there, from someone else who just walked on's perspective, they are the second. One bus, two complete strangers, two perspectives.
Doesn't this all just make you THINK!?
Relieve my bladder/bowels.
Move my fingers.
Control my hand.
See things from my perspective.
Smell things with my noes.
I can be the only person on a bus, from my perspective, i'm the first person there, from someone else who just walked on's perspective, they are the second. One bus, two complete strangers, two perspectives.
Doesn't this all just make you THINK!?
My day!
I went to sleep at 2, and woke up at 7.30.
My dream last night was not too bad, but it still invloved horses being raced, equiped with jockeys right in the middle of 'centro' the glen.
For those of you that don't know, it's a shopping complex. (lik a mall or westfield or chadstone or blahblahblahblahblah)
Certainly NO place for race horses!
Anyway, i met my cousin, Cass at the pool, however i took the wrong bus.
We looked it up on the internet,but instead of heading towards the pool, the bus headed up the other end of the road.
It's okay, it was only a five minure walk, plus Cass was late anyway because her bus didn't arrive until 9.20, so it would have been quicker for her to walk.
Anyway, i ended up doing 12 laps of the pool ... kinda hopeless haha!
I also found two lady bugs on Cass's towel, and when i picked them up with my finger i realised they were mating ...
i tried to take a picture, but as soon as i got my phone, the male flew away, but the female stayed. (probably in shock at how quickly it was AHA) so i put her on the ground.
Then i noticed some yellow sticky stuff on me...
10 points to whoever can guess what THAT was! :O
We then went, wet hair and all, into the city to Crown casino.
we ate lunch at the food court (cass had singapore noodles, i had fruit salad)
and then saw Sherlock Holmes, which is a great movie!!!
After that we went to Southern Cross station, and waited for my auntie Susie, Cass's mum.
We missed our train to wait for her, and then the next two to glen waverley were cancelled!
so we took the next one after that, which was PACKED! But it;s okay we got the seat.
There was a chick who looked pregnant, so we wanted to give her one of our seats, but we weren't sure if she was or not and we didn't want to offend her...
Then, on the way home i foiund a five dollar note! I looked at it, and it barely registered in my mind what it was, so i took two steps, then i'm like 'hang on, dude, free money!'
so i picked up up. about a metre down there was another note! 10 bucks this time.
So, to top off a pretty awesome day, i scored 15 bucks :)
My dream last night was not too bad, but it still invloved horses being raced, equiped with jockeys right in the middle of 'centro' the glen.
For those of you that don't know, it's a shopping complex. (lik a mall or westfield or chadstone or blahblahblahblahblah)
Certainly NO place for race horses!
Anyway, i met my cousin, Cass at the pool, however i took the wrong bus.
We looked it up on the internet,but instead of heading towards the pool, the bus headed up the other end of the road.
It's okay, it was only a five minure walk, plus Cass was late anyway because her bus didn't arrive until 9.20, so it would have been quicker for her to walk.
Anyway, i ended up doing 12 laps of the pool ... kinda hopeless haha!
I also found two lady bugs on Cass's towel, and when i picked them up with my finger i realised they were mating ...
i tried to take a picture, but as soon as i got my phone, the male flew away, but the female stayed. (probably in shock at how quickly it was AHA) so i put her on the ground.
Then i noticed some yellow sticky stuff on me...
10 points to whoever can guess what THAT was! :O
We then went, wet hair and all, into the city to Crown casino.
we ate lunch at the food court (cass had singapore noodles, i had fruit salad)
and then saw Sherlock Holmes, which is a great movie!!!
After that we went to Southern Cross station, and waited for my auntie Susie, Cass's mum.
We missed our train to wait for her, and then the next two to glen waverley were cancelled!
so we took the next one after that, which was PACKED! But it;s okay we got the seat.
There was a chick who looked pregnant, so we wanted to give her one of our seats, but we weren't sure if she was or not and we didn't want to offend her...
Then, on the way home i foiund a five dollar note! I looked at it, and it barely registered in my mind what it was, so i took two steps, then i'm like 'hang on, dude, free money!'
so i picked up up. about a metre down there was another note! 10 bucks this time.
So, to top off a pretty awesome day, i scored 15 bucks :)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Interpretate THIS ...
Dream:
I head a wolf howl, and pannicked because my two cats and my dog (R.I.P) Were outside. I tried to get them inside, but they keep running outside.
The wolf plodded up to the back door, which is sliding glass and started wagging it's tail.
My animals still being outside, i was rather nervous, but the wolf looked friendly enough and wagged it's tail everytime i went up to the door, so i opened the door and went to pat it.
However, a man came and held a gun to me, telling me to drink some odd substance. It was an experiment that would give me superpowers or something, but they were going to kidnap me and use it to their advantage.
After refusing, he shot his gun which barely missed my tummy.
I drank the drink, and my mum came out and shouted at me, and took the man's side when i told him that he nearly shot me.
I was then enslaved in my own house, and had to do everything that the man and his 'team' told me to. There was two women, the man and a few faceless others, just goons.
Time lapsed by and i decided to escape. I ran outside, down the driveway, and saw that my neighbours were in their driveway across the road.
I plead for help, but they thought i was crazy and quickly got in their car and drove away. I ran to the end of my street and burst into the front door of a house where i know an old couple to live. (i walk past them everyday when i go to and from school, the man is usually at his desk, which is in the kitchen, our aquaintanceship goes as far as a smile if we meet eyes) anyway, the man was there crying.
With bloodshot and tear filled eyes he told me 'i'm glad you came...'
and then i realised his wife had died.
I then saw his curtains wre open, meaning that if the bad people were out there, they could see me, so i ducked down.
The man was confused, and i burst into tears and told him my situation.
With a kind smile, he told me i could stay.
My cousin Cass then came by to help me.
She was standing up, and i was worried because i thought the bad people may see her and think it was me.
My fears were soon realised when there was a tapping on the window, then the glass smashed. Outside was the bad woman.
My cosuin and i quickly ran outside, and by then my powers started to work.
I electrified everyone out of my way, and me and my cousoin legged it.
We met up with my other cousin, Cass's brother Zac, and found a hiding spot, which was a child's cubby house.
We got tracked down to the cubby house, and the woman came in the door and stood by the window.
My powers failed to work, but at that second a tyrannosaurus rex burst through the abnormally large window, grabbed her my the head and ate her.
The rest of the group followed her in, and totally ignoring our pleas of not going 'near the window' they were eaten too.
Then another tyrannosaurus poked it's head through the door, me and my cousin's were trapped in the corner.
we were trying to be quiet, not to let the tyrannosaurus rex's know that we were there, then suddenly my cousin's ran for it.
The Rex's stayed and started sniffing around, so i ran after my cousin's.
That's when the Rex's took chase.
Then it went wierd, i turned into one of the Rex's and started mating with the other one...
then i turned back into myself and ran to my cousin's house.
We were so happy that we were safe that we went out the back to play with the clothes line (huh?)
That's when a velociraptor poked it's head over the fence and said to my cousin Zac 'if i hear your voice, i am going to bite your head off'
to which he said "me...?"
"yes you"
I was SO happy that it was not me in trouble this time, then i realised that there was no way Zac could be quiet in his own house...
so i shot myself, because i couldn't handle anyone dying...
I head a wolf howl, and pannicked because my two cats and my dog (R.I.P) Were outside. I tried to get them inside, but they keep running outside.
The wolf plodded up to the back door, which is sliding glass and started wagging it's tail.
My animals still being outside, i was rather nervous, but the wolf looked friendly enough and wagged it's tail everytime i went up to the door, so i opened the door and went to pat it.
However, a man came and held a gun to me, telling me to drink some odd substance. It was an experiment that would give me superpowers or something, but they were going to kidnap me and use it to their advantage.
After refusing, he shot his gun which barely missed my tummy.
I drank the drink, and my mum came out and shouted at me, and took the man's side when i told him that he nearly shot me.
I was then enslaved in my own house, and had to do everything that the man and his 'team' told me to. There was two women, the man and a few faceless others, just goons.
Time lapsed by and i decided to escape. I ran outside, down the driveway, and saw that my neighbours were in their driveway across the road.
I plead for help, but they thought i was crazy and quickly got in their car and drove away. I ran to the end of my street and burst into the front door of a house where i know an old couple to live. (i walk past them everyday when i go to and from school, the man is usually at his desk, which is in the kitchen, our aquaintanceship goes as far as a smile if we meet eyes) anyway, the man was there crying.
With bloodshot and tear filled eyes he told me 'i'm glad you came...'
and then i realised his wife had died.
I then saw his curtains wre open, meaning that if the bad people were out there, they could see me, so i ducked down.
The man was confused, and i burst into tears and told him my situation.
With a kind smile, he told me i could stay.
My cousin Cass then came by to help me.
She was standing up, and i was worried because i thought the bad people may see her and think it was me.
My fears were soon realised when there was a tapping on the window, then the glass smashed. Outside was the bad woman.
My cosuin and i quickly ran outside, and by then my powers started to work.
I electrified everyone out of my way, and me and my cousoin legged it.
We met up with my other cousin, Cass's brother Zac, and found a hiding spot, which was a child's cubby house.
We got tracked down to the cubby house, and the woman came in the door and stood by the window.
My powers failed to work, but at that second a tyrannosaurus rex burst through the abnormally large window, grabbed her my the head and ate her.
The rest of the group followed her in, and totally ignoring our pleas of not going 'near the window' they were eaten too.
Then another tyrannosaurus poked it's head through the door, me and my cousin's were trapped in the corner.
we were trying to be quiet, not to let the tyrannosaurus rex's know that we were there, then suddenly my cousin's ran for it.
The Rex's stayed and started sniffing around, so i ran after my cousin's.
That's when the Rex's took chase.
Then it went wierd, i turned into one of the Rex's and started mating with the other one...
then i turned back into myself and ran to my cousin's house.
We were so happy that we were safe that we went out the back to play with the clothes line (huh?)
That's when a velociraptor poked it's head over the fence and said to my cousin Zac 'if i hear your voice, i am going to bite your head off'
to which he said "me...?"
"yes you"
I was SO happy that it was not me in trouble this time, then i realised that there was no way Zac could be quiet in his own house...
so i shot myself, because i couldn't handle anyone dying...
Sunday, January 3, 2010
King for a Day, Princess by dawn!
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL I am back from Lakes Entrance a day early, and all will be explained of course, in due time.
Last night i did not sleep one bit, and i am wide awake. I am on some odd euphoric high, but don't you worry, come 4pm i'll crash.
Dang. I have to work from 5 till 10 tonight.
Moving on!
My holiday was GREAT! Although i did miss my p!nk community on twitter. To an outsider that sounds really disturbing, but you can just piss off.
These people treat me better than people do in the 'real world', so i'd choose talking to them over the internet than people i know anyday!
Back to my holiday ... I got a tan, and on my shoulder i got a sunburn which apparently looks like a penis.
On new years eve Lakes Entrance always has a party thingy, with a small band singing songs that we may or may not know. there are then fireworks, and me and my cousin crawled over the rocks near the water to watch. IT was awesome, as we were right underneath them! (They were released from a boat on the water)
Then we drove up a hill with our grandparents to watch the 12am fireworks.
As a tradition we yelled stuff at passerbys out the window, although this year we were restricted to 'happy new year' as 'BOO!' apparently sounds likes another word...a racist one. I've never heard of it, but considering the town is populated by many aboriginals, we had to oblige
Anyway, there is a cliff that me and my cousin, cass sit at and just look at the scenery. Well, some land was sold there for houses (nothing is fucking sacred anymore!) And there was this huge monstrosity that some rich fucker dared call a house. Anyway, while me and cass were innocently going for a gander, which we had been doing for the past three years, three teenagers come out.
There was a seat there, a normal park bench, and apparently they owned it, despite it being on pulic property.
They proceeded to yell 'pull out your tits' and asked us questions, such as 'do you guys spit or swallow?' (And people wonder why i hate people my age!?)
Anyway, words were exchanged, and not very civil mind you. We then left.
Two nights later we found a pair of binoculars in our grandpas car, so we took them and had a look around. We were going to go to the cliff again to look at the ocean, but the teens were there on their scooters. Wanting to avoid conflict, we waited until they left, however they saw us and started throwing rocks at us.
"why the fuck are you throwing rocks at us!?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"what do you mean?"
"Your watching us through binocculars"
"What the fuck no we're not!"
"What are you doing then, bird watching?"
"No we just wanted to muck around with them"
*continues throwing rocks*
"If one of those fucking hits us..."
Them in unison: "Oooooh"
So we turned and left. The next day we went down to safeway and bought some eggs.
We planned to egg their house that night.
Anyway, a fight broke out between our family. Our grandpa, who is NOT level headed totally chucked a wobbly, because according to him no one is allowed an opinion but him.
He ended up locking everyone outside, and proceeded to storm through the hous eswearing. He then slammed his door to his room.
But not two seconds later he came out again, started swearin at the top of his lungs and called my mum, her friend and my grandmother a bunch of drunks, and called them swearwords.
We got told to go to bed, and we were informed that we were going home the next day.
Now me and cass were staying in a (spider infested) caravan in the backyard. The parentals were outside drinking, (grandpa had finally shut the fuck up and stayed in his room, like the fucking two year old he is) We wanted to sneak out, but they would not go to bed.
Anyway, we ended up sneaking out anyway, right under their noses.
We then walked down to the monstrosity house, and waited.
It was over an hour before they turned off their lights, so we walked to the cliff, and threw 'their' chair over it.
After that, we circled their house and found a gap in their unfinished fensh that positioned us right in front of their parked car.
We egged the bastards!!!!!
We got their garage, their expensive car, their windows and front door.
We then bolted.
The beauty is, we went home as soon as we woke up the next morning.
MUAHAHHAHAA!
Alrighty, picture time!
BAHAHAHA we stumbled across this sign on the bus ... someone needs to brush up on their engrish skills.
And these are just SOME of the beautiful photos i took :o) I love Lake Bunga beach <3 (L)
My penis shaped flaky thingy (kinda hard to see)
p!nk inspired zinc abs!
P!nk inspired zinc V!
I also saw some extremely HHHHHAAAAAWWWWWTTTTT chick at the beach too ...
*WISHFULL THINKING*
Last night i did not sleep one bit, and i am wide awake. I am on some odd euphoric high, but don't you worry, come 4pm i'll crash.
Dang. I have to work from 5 till 10 tonight.
Moving on!
My holiday was GREAT! Although i did miss my p!nk community on twitter. To an outsider that sounds really disturbing, but you can just piss off.
These people treat me better than people do in the 'real world', so i'd choose talking to them over the internet than people i know anyday!
Back to my holiday ... I got a tan, and on my shoulder i got a sunburn which apparently looks like a penis.
On new years eve Lakes Entrance always has a party thingy, with a small band singing songs that we may or may not know. there are then fireworks, and me and my cousin crawled over the rocks near the water to watch. IT was awesome, as we were right underneath them! (They were released from a boat on the water)
Then we drove up a hill with our grandparents to watch the 12am fireworks.
As a tradition we yelled stuff at passerbys out the window, although this year we were restricted to 'happy new year' as 'BOO!' apparently sounds likes another word...a racist one. I've never heard of it, but considering the town is populated by many aboriginals, we had to oblige
Anyway, there is a cliff that me and my cousin, cass sit at and just look at the scenery. Well, some land was sold there for houses (nothing is fucking sacred anymore!) And there was this huge monstrosity that some rich fucker dared call a house. Anyway, while me and cass were innocently going for a gander, which we had been doing for the past three years, three teenagers come out.
There was a seat there, a normal park bench, and apparently they owned it, despite it being on pulic property.
They proceeded to yell 'pull out your tits' and asked us questions, such as 'do you guys spit or swallow?' (And people wonder why i hate people my age!?)
Anyway, words were exchanged, and not very civil mind you. We then left.
Two nights later we found a pair of binoculars in our grandpas car, so we took them and had a look around. We were going to go to the cliff again to look at the ocean, but the teens were there on their scooters. Wanting to avoid conflict, we waited until they left, however they saw us and started throwing rocks at us.
"why the fuck are you throwing rocks at us!?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"what do you mean?"
"Your watching us through binocculars"
"What the fuck no we're not!"
"What are you doing then, bird watching?"
"No we just wanted to muck around with them"
*continues throwing rocks*
"If one of those fucking hits us..."
Them in unison: "Oooooh"
So we turned and left. The next day we went down to safeway and bought some eggs.
We planned to egg their house that night.
Anyway, a fight broke out between our family. Our grandpa, who is NOT level headed totally chucked a wobbly, because according to him no one is allowed an opinion but him.
He ended up locking everyone outside, and proceeded to storm through the hous eswearing. He then slammed his door to his room.
But not two seconds later he came out again, started swearin at the top of his lungs and called my mum, her friend and my grandmother a bunch of drunks, and called them swearwords.
We got told to go to bed, and we were informed that we were going home the next day.
Now me and cass were staying in a (spider infested) caravan in the backyard. The parentals were outside drinking, (grandpa had finally shut the fuck up and stayed in his room, like the fucking two year old he is) We wanted to sneak out, but they would not go to bed.
Anyway, we ended up sneaking out anyway, right under their noses.
We then walked down to the monstrosity house, and waited.
It was over an hour before they turned off their lights, so we walked to the cliff, and threw 'their' chair over it.
After that, we circled their house and found a gap in their unfinished fensh that positioned us right in front of their parked car.
We egged the bastards!!!!!
We got their garage, their expensive car, their windows and front door.
We then bolted.
The beauty is, we went home as soon as we woke up the next morning.
MUAHAHHAHAA!
Alrighty, picture time!
BAHAHAHA we stumbled across this sign on the bus ... someone needs to brush up on their engrish skills.
And these are just SOME of the beautiful photos i took :o) I love Lake Bunga beach <3 (L)
My penis shaped flaky thingy (kinda hard to see)
p!nk inspired zinc abs!
P!nk inspired zinc V!
I also saw some extremely HHHHHAAAAAWWWWWTTTTT chick at the beach too ...
*WISHFULL THINKING*
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