Ouch

The current theme song of my life:
(Please listen to, and read along with the lyrics to best understand what i am talking about, then continue reading the blog)
Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/katenash/skeletonsong.html



This song makes me think so much. It makes me want to slip back into the old me. The me that was not as smart as i am now, and made decisions that were not always for the best. The thing is, when i was that girl, i was the happiest! Besides the times where i am in love with P!nk, i mean the best thing that happened to me was my obsession with her returning, for both my mental and physical health. However an obsession with a famous singer can only go so far...
The old me was when i was at my skinniest, prettiest, most popular, and i generally felt GOOD about myself. I punished myself for doing things that made me feel bad, and i worked hard to make myself feel good. And the reward was a perfect body, great looks, the best friends i could ever ask for, and just generally a happy me.
And it just felt so darn GOOD! But my mum had to intervene...
And now i do all the right things, and i try and try to stay on track, to stay focused.
But i am just so fucking LONELY. I am alone at school. I really do dread going back, honest to god i have not got a single friend there. I know it takes time for the new girl to fit in, but it's been a year, isn't that enough time?
there is something wrong with me, i just can't connect with these people! Don't get me wrong, they're nice and all that, but i just can't connect.
I don't get them, and they don't get me.
I am also really unhappy with myself at the moment.
My body...there's just TOO much of it in some places, and not enough in others!
My thighs need to stick out less, they need to be a gentle slope, not fully slant outwards like a pair fucking water slides!
my knees are sooooooooo chubby that i swear to god you can lose a pencil in them or something!
I have the stupidest jelly belly, it doesn't go away no matter how many sit ups i do! I just want a flat tum, is that so much to fucking ask!?!?
My arms are the ugliest things you'll ever see. They are red, they have bumps on them and they are flabby, like fucking chicken wings or some shit!
My calves are just a stupid shape.
My boobs...don't get me started on THEM! They NEVER grow! I don't want big boobs, but it would be nice to have a handful or something! FUCKING HELL! The only thing that makes it okay is that P!nk doesn't have big boobs herself.
The last thing i hate about myself is my nose.
Just. Dude. It's not pointy, and it doesn't have a bump, but it sticks out like a fucking yellow elephant with purple spots! like nose, BE SMALLER PLEASE! Like Selena Gomez's nose, or even better, P!nk's nose. It's just PERFECT!

You lot probably think I'm being a whiny little whore, but i swear, i know my good parts just as well as my bad parts! I love my hair! I love my lips! I love my eyes! I love my forearms! I love my teeth!

I have tried EVERYTHING to get a good body! And when i say everything...i mean everything. Except liposuction. But i have tried so much! I have tried healthy eating, regular exercise...other things...and nothing WORKS!
The thing that worked most for me, my mum put a stop to! And i was SO much happier back then! So what if i was a little distant from my family?? I FELT BEAUTIFUL!
I strive for perfection. It's what i do, i can't help it, i just want perfection!

So what if my methods are frowned upon in modern society, i have never cared what the rest of the world thinks...well i try not to.
I'm doing this for MY happiness...

I realise i just contradicted my whole blog...i did not mean to that's just how i feel.
It's not pleasurable feeling like this...