Princess Highway

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there lived a King and Queen.
King Aerogard, and his wife, Queen Mortein, were discussing the delicate subject of babies.
They chose their words with precaution, knowing that babies were a special thing, and they were only ready to have a child if they were both willing to commit. The discussion was highly elaborate, and only those of an educated mind would have a chance to understand the complex words that were being said that day.
The conversation went like this:
"Let us have a baby" said king Aerogard.
"Ok" replied queen Mortein.
So they had a baby.

Nine months to the day after the traditional conceiving ceremony, in to which we won't go into detail, queen Mortein gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
"A girl??" enquired King Aerogard "but she was supposed to be a boy, she was supposed to like goobers and worms, and when she reached adolescence, she is supposed to be the leading batsman and fast bowler on the Medievals!" he continued, referring to the cricket team he coached.
"Well she is a girl. She is going to have tea parties, she will be a fashion icon, she will have pillow fights in her underwear at her and her friends parties, and when she hits adolescence she will become a sex scandal, and her snatch will be all over the media as she gets out of her carriage and flashes every body" Retorted queen Mortein.
They decided to name the child who had eyes the colour of a blue flower, and hair the colour of an object that was black, Princess Highway.

Princess Highway blossomed into an ugly child. She was not obese, but her weight left something to be desired, and don't even get me started on her fashion sense! Her hair was so greasy that it became matted, and turned into a giant nest of unruly dreadlocks. Her bust, on the other hand, was quite large, as she was further developed in that area compared to the other children of the kingdom.
This upset her terribly, and so she personally beheaded each child that teased her with a rusty axe.

Concerned, her parents took her to a shrink.
"It seems the Princess has an unusual love for violence, and she needs to vent it out. May I suggest you join her up to a contact sport? such as rugby, wrestling, or a martial art?"

So they did just that.
Princess Highway signed up for the local rugby team, and took boxing lessons every Saturday.
And you know what, with all that exercise, the weight just fell off her.

On the day of her sixteenth birthday, her parents were again concerned.
"She is sixteen years old, and a PRINCESS, and yet she has dated no one!" her mother squawked frantically while at the hairdressers having her weekly perm. (Hey, curls just don't stay beautiful on their own any more.) "I just don't understand, she is slim enough!!"
"HAH, slim is just the half of it, you have to act like you're stupid, and defenceless, and a damsel in distress" replied her hairdresser, Mrs. Kodak. "and her tomboyish ways, that just wont do! She's too manly, she scares all the men away with her ruggedness!

As queen Mortein pondered over her hairdresser's words, her daughter continued showing tomboyish signs.
Instead of tea parties, Princess Highway was into scabs, goobers, and worms, instead of being a fashion icon, she was the leading batsman and fast bowler of her father's cricket team, although she did have a pillow fight every Saturday night, when her friends always held a party. But that was mainly so that she could secretly hide bricks in her pillow and thump them over the heads as hard as she could possibly manage. Which was a lot … she was a strong girl.
Her father couldn't have been more thrilled, but her mother on the other hand, couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed.

The next day, queen Mortein entered a clay house with a thatched roof from which cats and dogs would always tumble through, clad in a trench coat, a pair of black sunnies, and an oversized hat.
She went into an office, and asked all the questions that needed to be asked.
"now, when do you want the...'job' done Mrs..'Tarzan'" enquired a big burly man who looked like he belonged in the Mafia on the streets of Italy.
"As soon as possible, I can't bear my daughter any longer, if I look at her again, I'm afraid I'll burst!"
"I understand, trust me, we get plenty of people like you, how about next Sunday, is that ok?"
"yes that's fine...now how much is it?"
"10,000 for the first one, then to clean it up, it's another 5000. And I'd like to spy on her for a week … I like to personalise each of my clients, you know? Make it special, make it memorable!”

So the big burly man who looked like he belonged in the Mafia on the streets of Italy set out towards the castle in his spy gear, which was a one piece bathing suit. No one would ever suspect a big burly man who looked like he belonged in the Mafia on the streets of Italy in a bathing suit of spying and murderous intentions, right? Right. He climbed up the oak tree outside Princess Highway's window, and settled in for the night to watch the events.

Princess Highway was having another one of her sleepovers. She was giving one of her friends a make over, as her other guests huddles in the corner, afraid to breathe in case it caught her attention, and she moved the torture on to one of them.
“And just a dash of rat's blood, to bring out the natural rosiness of your cheeks” Finished the Princess, and she applied the blood (Which had traces of mashed up rat's guts in it) to her mortified friend's cheek. She turned her friend around to look in the mirror, and that was but she could bare … she took one sight of her face, vomited up her dinner, and fainted on the floor. Princess Highway glared at the remaining friends.
“I'm bored of this game.” She informed them. “Let's have a pillow fight!” Her friends stiffened with fear. One of them, a small blonde girl in the back started whimpering.
“P-p-p-please Princess, please, can we just go to bed? I'm super, super tired!”
“BED!?” The Princess roared “But it's only 9pm! Don't be a pussy!”
“But I had a late night last night, and I had to get up really early this morning and..”
“I'M SICK OF YOUR VOICE!” And with her words, Princess Highway charged towards the small blonde girl, making the rest of the crowd veer toward the other side of the room. The Princess tackled the tiny girl to the ground, pounded her in the face with her fists, picked her up by her petite blonde braids, swung her around, and flung her out of the window. All the while, the girl screaming as if she was being murdered. Which … she was.
“Now.... PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!” Enthused Princess Highway, picking up her sack of bricks. She advanced on her guests, and swung at the nearest skull. With a satisfying clunk, and a giant crack, the girl's eyes popped out of her skull, and she writhed on the floor with agony. Princess Highway moved on to her next victim. She continued with her game until each girl had been killed, knocked unconscious, or had jumped out of the window in desperation.
Princess Highway looked upon the faces of each of her friend, and threw all but one to her pet crocodile, Cornelius, who was vision impaired, thus had to wear spectacles. As he crunched happily on their bones, Princess Highway strung up her last remaining guest by shoving metal hooks through her ankles. As the girl hung upside down, The Princess prepared her knife. She knew exactly what she was doing. She steadied the knife and started hacking at the girl's head. Once the head was removed, she sat underneath the body, letting her warm, red fluids drip all over her. It was like warm, summer rain. It calmed Princess Highway, and made her feel at peace with the world. Once she had bled the body dry, she set to work on harvesting the organs, which she stored in the fridge to make her special type of haggis later, to send to the girl's parents as a gift for her funeral. Suddenly, she heard a thud at her window. She spun on her heels quickly, and raised her knife. There she saw the most biggest burly man who looked like he belonged in the Mafia on the streets of Italy in a bathing suit she had EVER seen. Her jaw dropped. His eyes were locked on hers.
“I have been watching you...”
“Fuck off”
“...and Although my initial intentions were far from pure...”
“I'll chop you in half then skull fuck you”
“...I think I've fallen in love with your wayward behaviour...”
“Then I'll grow maggots in your body”
“...and although your mother has paid a great deal of money for me to kill you and make it look like an accident, I just cannot bring myself to do it.”
Princess Highway's mouth snapped shut. For a moment she was speechless, and when she finally found her voice, all she could manage was a feeble “get fucked.”
The big burly man who looked like he belonged in the Mafia on the streets of Italy in a bathing suit took Princess Highway in his arms and licked her in the eyeball.

The couple spent their days murdering people in the most creative ways possible, and having wild, steamy sex in public places.

The end.